[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
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Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Beware of fowl play.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]