I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
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Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me