When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
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[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Meow
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake