Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
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How did we not see this back then?
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away