Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
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Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Swedish for common sense.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.