*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.