Merry Christmas
You Might Also Like
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do