Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
You Might Also Like
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me trying to walk in a dream
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.