Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
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Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
cyclists
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day