me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
You Might Also Like
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Pretty much. 🤣
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.