If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
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I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.