I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
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Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.