me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
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Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Somebody call the cops.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.