Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
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[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?