Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
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Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
This bar smells like my childhood.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod