Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
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You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.