[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
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I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
That’s not how days work.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
PLOT TWIST:
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Why is everyone getting married at me
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”