I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
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BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.