WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
You Might Also Like
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task