when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
You Might Also Like
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”