Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
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I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I came this close!!!!
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.