[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
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ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
No, he would not have.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.