NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
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me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.