I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
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Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
How did we not see this back then?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)