“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
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Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Kids: Stay in school.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.