*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
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Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway