CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
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me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
can I use a minion as a tampon
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”