[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
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[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.