Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
You Might Also Like
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume