Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
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didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye