Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.