[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked