i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
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Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo