Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
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You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Sharon, call the vet
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.