[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
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Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.