[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
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[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Wikigenius
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.