Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no