Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
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I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend