Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
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He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
bout dat hot dog summer
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
That’s not how days work.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.