I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
You Might Also Like
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
gm
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.