Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
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I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.