ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’