Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
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Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.