Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did