I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
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Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.