“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
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Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
good let them take over I have had enough
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill