[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
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A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
The booster protects against what, now?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?