This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
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funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Whoa 😂
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower