WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
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i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Donkey Kong sommelier
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Challenge accepted.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.