If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
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[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u